"Separating Self-Worth & Behavior"

Whether you are raising kids or trying to improve your own self-esteem, the relationship between who you are and what you do is important. Whether you are a parent, grandparent, or simply trying to build your own self-esteem, it is important to realize that we need to separate our sense of self-worth from our behavior.

Imagine this scene: A three-year-old asks repeatedly, "Mama, do you love me?" Each time, Mom answers, "Of course I do." Then the child takes her hand and leads her to a broken flowerpot or shattered toy and looks at her questioningly.

Here is a little child, on this earth only three short years, already asking one of the most profound psychological questions any of us can ask: "Is my ability to be loved tied to what I do? Am I the same as my behavior?" The answer for all of us, no matter how old we are, should be the same, "No, indeed!"

The importance of this point can't be overemphasized. To increase self-worth, it is vital that we respond to behavior while remaining friendly and respectful toward the person.
This means that when a child misbehaves, we don't call him a "bad boy." And when a child does what we want her to, we don't say, "What a good girl!"
Instead, we praise the behavior and hug the child.

The same goes for how we treat ourselves. Remember that you are not simply what you do any more than you are what you wear.

Lou Tice
The Pacific Institute

"Self-Fulfilling Prophecy"

Do you know what a self-fulfilling prophecy is? Most people know that a self-fulfilling prophecy is an event that, because it is predicted and expected, is therefore more likely to happen, and even caused to happen.

For example, according to Success magazine, two different groups of psychologists were once asked to observe the same child playing. One group was told beforehand that the child was emotionally disturbed. The other group was told that the child was a genius. When the psychologists were asked to report on their observations afterward, each group had found evidence to support their preconceived ideas.

Now, it's important to realize that self-fulfilling prophecies are everyday experiences -not just laboratory experiments. What do you expect your day to be like when you get up in the morning? How do you expect your kids to behave? How much success do you expect for yourself?

You see, if you predict failure, failure is generally what you will find.
And if you expect excellence, excellence is very likely what you will get.
How we think about a situation determines how we act, and how we act, more than anything else, determines the results.

That is how self-fulfilling prophecies work. There's nothing magical about it. What you get in life is pretty much how you behave, coming back at you.
To me, it makes perfect sense. What do you think?

Lou Tice
The Pacific Institute

"Fear"

Nothing blocks change quite the way fear does, and when its power is greater than your power to push through it, fear is devastating. In his book, "Getting Unstuck," Dr. Sidney Simon discusses ten ways fear blocks change, and today that information bears repeating.

Fear persuades you to do less than you are capable of doing. It triggers internal defense systems and fools you into thinking that you have perfectly good reasons not to change. Fear, particularly fear of making mistakes, causes indecisiveness and stops you from knowing what you really want. It warps your perception of your life and what you can do to make it better.

Fear keeps you from asking for help when you need it or benefiting from the emotional support offered to you. To calm your fears, you develop unhealthy habits and behavior patterns. Fear makes you give up one step short of your goal. And finally, fear keeps you from taking the risks necessary for growth.

Fear can control your life if you let it. But you can push through it if you can relax physically and mentally, and develop the habit of taking well-chosen risks - small ones at first, then bigger ones. Affirmations and visualizations are a great help too. If you get into the habit of vividly seeing yourself achieve success, you can overcome the paralyzing effects of fear and move confidently into the good life you deserve.

What types of fears do you have that are preventing you from positive change?

Lou Tice
The Pacific Institute

"Purpose in Life"

Do you believe that having a purpose in life is important? I do, and my experience has taught me that having a purpose contributes a great deal to the quality of our lives. Not only that, having a purpose can actually prolong your life.

Several years ago, a study done by Judith Roden of Harvard followed two groups of patients in a convalescent home. Members of one group were asked to care for a potted plant during that time. Members of the other group had no such purpose. Those who were plant caretakers lived, on average, twice as long as the others did. You see, a sense of purpose fosters hope, self-motivation and positive feelings about oneself and others.

Now it is important to remember that, if it's going to be truly meaningful, your life's purpose must be something that is chosen freely by you, not something that is chosen for you. And it may have nothing whatever to do with what you do for a living, although, if it does that would be ideal.

Have you thought about what your purpose is? Have you tried to put it into words? If not, take the time to do so, and then use that purpose as a compass to guide your activities. You will be surprised at how much energy and clarity you'll feel.

And by the way, age has nothing to do with finding purpose in your life - today will do!

Lou Tice
The Pacific Institute

"Talking to Yourself"

Do you ever talk to yourself out loud? Lot's of people do. However, most of your self-talk is silent, and it's very powerful. You see, we talk to ourselves all the time. In fact, most of it happens in the form of thoughts, and it usually happens so fast, we don't even know it.

While you are reading this right now, you are talking to yourself three times as fast. When you stop reading, you speed up to about six times faster. These running thoughts, or "self-talk" as it is called, is very powerful, so it is important that you become aware of what it contains.

Your self-talk builds up or tears down your self-image, determines what kind of relationships you have with other people, influences what kind of income you have and what kind of work you do. It affects virtually everything in your life.

If you tell yourself good things don't happen to you, believe me, they won'
t, because your subconscious will make sure that you find a way to prove yourself right. And if you have a positive expectation of success, chances are excellent that you will succeed. You will persist in your efforts and you will persuade others to help you until you achieve your goal.

So, pay close attention to the kinds of things you say to yourself. And, if you hear putdowns, derogatory labels or harsh criticisms, deliberately stop them and answer back in a positive way. When you take charge of your self-talk, you go a long way toward taking charge of your life.

Lou Tice
The Pacific Institute

"Be Careful What You Laugh At"

Living in a society that operates from racist and sexist values is no laughing matter - and I mean that quite literally. Everybody likes to enjoy a good laugh, and everybody wants to feel that they are a part of a happy group of friends. But what about the times when the laugh seems to be at someone else's expense?

What do you do when you hear a friend tell a joke that plays on racial, ethnic or sexual stereotypes? What do you do when you are chatting with a group of pals and someone makes a remark that indicates intolerance, bigotry or sexism? I think you sell yourself and our society short if you join in these "We're OK, they aren't OK" sessions.

I think, for the sake of your own self-esteem and for the sake of a democratic society, you owe it to yourself to be decent and fair and insist that others be the same way in your presence. Don't tell, laugh at, or in any way go along with racial, ethnic, religious or gender jokes, or to any practices whatsoever that are intended to demean rather than enhance another human being.

Walk away from them. Stare them down. Make them unacceptable in your homes, places of worship, and the workplace. Perhaps we aren't all equally guilty, but we are all equally responsible for building a decent and just society - regardless of where we live.

Racism, sexism, and other forms of bigotry and intolerance undermine our strength, and weaken the fibers of our society. Don't buy into them with your laughter.

Lou Tice
The Pacific Institute

"Your Own Best Friend"

Today, let's talk about the most important relationship in your life - the one you have with yourself.

Think of someone you regard as a dear friend. If no such person exists in your life, dream one up. The time you spend with this person brings you a special pleasure, doesn't it? You tend to be loving, protective, and solicitous toward him or her, and you really have their best interests at heart, don't you? You really care.

Now, ask yourself, "Do I give myself the same kind of care and consideration?" On the basis of your self-treatment, many of us would truthfully need to answer, "Certainly not!" If this is your answer, ask yourself why. Maybe you will see some negative programming from the past that taught you to suppress or deny your own needs. Maybe you were taught that caring for yourself was selfish and wrong. As a result, you engineer defeats and deprivations, either automatically or unconsciously, that leave you feeling victimized.

But, you know, you can't really treat others any better than you treat yourself without hurting your own self-esteem. Your self-esteem is of vital importance, for without it you will have less to give, be able to receive less, and in general live a less than satisfying and fulfilling life.

So, if you want to be a good friend to others, take my advice and learn to be your own best friend.

Lou Tice
The Pacific Institute

"Handling Rejection"

Most of us can handle physical pain, but when it comes to rejection or disapproval, it is often another story. Today, let's talk more about handling psychological pain.

Most of us deal pretty well with the physical lumps and bumps of life. Even though we dislike them, we bear our falls, illnesses, broken bones, surgeries and the like with relative aplomb. However, when it comes to psychological hurts, like disapproval or rejection, we often behave like frightened children, or we seal ourselves away in isolation.

Now, on an intellectual level, we all know we can't go through life without periodic disapproval or rejection. But the time when rejection's sting becomes unbearable is when it joins our own self-rejection. Surely, closeness means hurt from time to time, but the hurt is less deep and less lasting when you basically affirm yourself. That is why it is so important for us to behave in ways that build our self-image and self-esteem. It is also why our relationships improve when we begin to feel better about ourselves.

To be fully alive is to be willing to risk pain and failure. To enter into a close relationship is to make oneself vulnerable. But, if we don't take these risks, the alternative is loneliness and isolation, and a life half-lived.

So, if you want to enjoy happier, more fulfilling relationships with others, pay attention to the relationship with yourself.

Lou Tice
The Pacific Institute

"What, Me Worry?"

What would you like to avoid in your life? Most of us try to avoid certain things like illness and injury, poverty, stress, depression and pain, just to name a few.

Now, it makes sense to try to avoid these things as much as possible, but some people spend an enormous amount of time worrying about how to avoid them, and worrying about how to cope with them if they do happen to occur.
Well, just by spending that much time worrying, they are pretty much eliminating the possibility of feeling happy.

They are also raising their stress level, thereby weakening their immune system, which makes them more susceptible to illness and pain. Depression often follows excessive worry, and if you are stressed and depressed, chances are you are not going to do your best at work, at home, or anyplace else.

You see, worry creates a self-fulfilling prophecy, because we move toward and become like that which we think about. If we spend most of our time worrying about something, we shouldn't be surprised when it obligingly shows up.

Worrying is a lot like paying for trouble, before you get the bill. You wouldn't think of doing that with your money, would you? So, why in the world would you do it with something more precious than money - your time and your life?!

For every minute you spend worrying, how could you be affirming personal success and happiness instead?

Lou Tice
The Pacific Institute